DAY 4: Baby steps...

Just had my 10 steroids, so it's time to blog. I have found that I get energy for about an hour, and then the fall comes.

Today I had my 6th and final hyper-fractionated (i.e. more than one dose per day) Cytoxan drip for this cycle -- so we will claim a small vicotry while we can. Three days in the bag. The past is now behind us and the future is not yet real, so we sit in the present and marvel and how we're continually carried foward by God's grace and support.

I also am having two chemo drugs tonight for the very first time. I had Vincristine at 9pm and it was a rapid 10-minute infusion. Now, I just started on a 24-hour drip of Doxorubicin. My prayer, yet again, is that these chemicals be 100% lethal to the cancer, yet 100% life-giving to the rest of me. I am supposed to have a Cytarabine spinal tap tomorrow, but since I am still on a blood thinner called Heparin and they massacred my lumbar area on Tuesday, we may punt until Saturday. I am hoping we punt altogether... but will go with the flow. You can only have so many holes poked in your spine before things start to get dicey.

Well the prior 36 hours were pretty slow. I didn't really get on my feet from yesterday around 9:30am until tonight around 7pm. I eeked out 2 slow laps this evening... and that was about all I could handle. But when I cannot walk, the Lord carries me. That heart condition really knocked me down for a bit. With no exaggeration, I had more medications put in my body yesterday in one single day than I have over the cumulative total of my first 31years of life. Staggering thought. After seeing the ball drop, I slept on and off throughout the night somewhat well. I woke up to nasuea in the middle of the night, and they gave me Ativan to quell that and anxiety along with a kidney drug. (We did have 2 helicoptor landings. It made me think that there were some people who had a more unique New Year that even I did!)

Today I realized that I've become hyper-sensitive to all foods, especially hot ones. If something hot comes in the room, I immediately want it removed. Some colder foods, too, make me a little queasy. Those of you who are fond of my penchant for warm foods will find this hard to believe! My diet today consisted of rice krispies cereal, organic sugar-free applesause, and water. It was enough to keep me going. It's a moving target, but the name of the game is: if it doesn't repulse me, then eat it when I can.

There are some words from a book in the Bible, Philippians 4:6-7, that have carried me through some hard moments in the past few days, and it's written on our whiteboard in the room:

"Help me Lord not to be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present my requests to you. And your peace, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and mind in Jesus Christ."

In the past days, these promises have now come to life to me, because they are as real as real can be. These aren't just feel-good buzz words that we pull out of our back pocket when we're in a pickle. They represent one of several small pieces of the larger truth that governs the world in which we ALL live. Whether we recognize the existence of somthing or not, that doesn't change whether or not it really is, indeed, Truth! Crazy thought, huh?

The Lord has heard my cry out for Mercy and He has responded resoundingly. For that, I am so very grateful. His promises to me, and you, never come up empty.

My heartfelt gratitude goes out tonight to each of you, as friends and loved-ones, who are walking alongside me this time in life. Your prayers, words, time, and thoughts are selfless and shroud me in even more layers of love and protection. This is just what I need.