What's for dinner? My own words...

Well I just knew at one point I'd have to eat my own words. Not that I'm too proud to do so, but there's just not much to hide behind when things have been quilled out in these cyber scrolls. On my original entry, I ended with, "Let us just sit for a moment, at these crossroads of uncertainty, and meet God right here."

I was just notified by the kind folks at Vanderbilt that they just received the block (my appendix tissue) *today* and sent it off to have the necessary genetic behavior 'MYC tests' conducted by a third party. Even with rush treatment, it will likely be the end of this week until we receive the results. [Thought to self: would chemo on Christmas Day be an option, just for fun?]

So, while I thought I'd pull over at these crossroads for a minute or two, looks as though it may be more like a week or two. Or three. While an immediate reaction could be one of frustration and impatience, I am content due to a comforting realization I had over the course of the weekend: in my 'healing', so to speak, cancer is only a footnote.

What I mean to say by this is that I now see the world through a new lens -- one through which walls of fear, judgement, doubt, and lack of true peace, are cracking right before my very eyes. Some of them are even tumbling down to the ground. While I initially thought I'd have to focus all my faculties on 'beating cancer' and healing my body, I'm quickly learning that the true healing that was needed was a healing of my heart. [Gosh, this is hard to put into words... and sounds a bit sappy. I will resist the urge to try to sound cool here.]

What made this realization very real and apparent to me was that, for the past week, I have felt a peace that I've never known. Let me type that again because I don't want to gloss over it: I have felt a peace that I've *never* known. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I feel physically terrific. I'm more thankful for every waking moment than ever before. I am starting to truly cherish my wife and the bond of marraige [think 'in sickness and in death']. I see the true beauty of friendships. I make no assumptions about tomorrow. I am not ashamed or nervous about sharing my faith in Christ [especially because it is growing in leaps and bounds].

Most of these fears I did not even know I had. Perhaps in seeing more freedom from them I've been able to recognize the hold they have had on me all along.

I would wager that most of what we choose to do, or not do, is driven on fear. What will happen if I fail? What will they think of me? What will I do next if that doesn't work out? What if I don't get what I want? What if they reject me? What if I don't get my way? What if I'm wrong? What if it hurts? What if I just plain look silly? What if they think I can't afford better? What if I'm actually right?! What if I end up thinking that God isn't really there because he didn't answer my prayers?

I am learning that we all have an open-ended invitation to LIVE without fear. Abundant life. Today. Right now. Maybe I'm comfortable sitting at these crossroads becuase I am healing right now in the parts of body that God truly cares about. It's a lot easier to put a finger on sickness in our physical bodies and a whole lot harder to find the other ailments that really do make us live life the way we do.

Maybe this cancer really is a footnote. Being healed of cancer will one day take a distant back seat to the true healing that's happening. I hope you can join me in that for yourself... without the cancer part, of course.