DAY 140: A long recovery?

I have had a slow week. Translation: felt pretty crummy. When I was back at the clinic on Friday, we ended up needing not only chemo, but also platelets AND two bags of red blood. My counts are near zero right now, and my other levels were so low that we needed to transfuse.

They keep reminding me that I have had seven rounds of one of the most aggressive chemo regimens out there and that the process is cumulative. Ok, ok. I hear you... finally. I have no choice but to hear them!

The physical sensation of anemia and low counts is hard to describe. Standing for longer than a few minutes is not an option. Basic physical activity is so labored and I get extremely winded. It feels very uncomfortable. Walking up the stairs... a tough task. Walking to the bathroom... a tough task. Going to prepare a glass of water in the kitchen... a tough task. I will have to sit or lie down as soon as possible, and my pulse races. My heart rate becomes the equivalent of yours after you've run for 30 minutes straight, and I have simply walked across the room! It's also a very heavy heartbeat, where I can feel it pulse through my entire body, and even see my clothes bulge out with every beat. A truly unique experience.

I am on my steroid for four days (for the last time). While I haven't shaved in five months, these pills give me some nice white/grey peach fuzz whiskers on my chin. A funny look that I've enjoyed.

I have a friend who went through this same chemo one year before me, for treatment of Burkitt's as well. She gave me some insight into the post-chemo world that was enlightening. She kept her port in for A YEAR. She returned to the clinic for blood work (and to flush the port) every four weeks. She did not get any scans, except for the final one after treatment. They told her that she would know the cancer is back before any scan would!

The most discouraging piece of info she shared was that her blood counts took a full year to recover, and that the average for this hyperCVAD chemo is 9 months. It's just so harmful to the body that it takes quite some time for the 'damage' to wear off. While the Neulasta shot we get is a temporary pop to get us ready for the next round of chemo, when you wait on your body to start naturally producing white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets, it is a much slower process.

I am telling myself that each person's body is different and mine may react totally differently. This is code for, "I'm gonna heal much quicker than that!!!" Clearly, an empty and unfounded statement, but it's my self-deception for the moment, nonetheless, and I'll run with it!

I just really, really wanna play softball, to be honest!